Stuff the Receptionist Says

“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.”

.on the plus side.

The Receptionist: Boss, I asked The Accounting Clerk about your expense and she said you can either write a check for it, or she can minus it out of payroll.


.what’s smokin’?.

Yesterday, a neighboring company was having a company luncheon…as a result, part of our parking lot was blocked off…

The Receptionist: They’re smoking bbq over there.

Really? What gave it away? Was it the industrial size pit bbq in the middle of the parking lot? The billowing smoke coming from it? Or the overwhelming smell of bbq permeating the air?

.well, blow me down.

The New Girl (1 week on the job): they say we might get severe weather this afternoon…were you guys working here when the tornadoes came through?

Me: nope

The Receptionist (who has been employed here for 3 months now): No I was working at XYZ, Inc. and my boss was like “oooooh, that’s okay, we’ll just stay open and I was like, stay open for who?” [insert usual unnecessary laughing] ….were you here?

The New Girl: ….no….I started last week.

It should be noted that there are a total of 11 employees that work in our office. And The New Girl’s office is within 10ft of The Receptionist’s desk. 

Oh Na Na, What’s My Name?

Office Manager, looking at the name plate on the wall outside of my office..

Office Manager: Layla J. Donahue, hmm, what’s the J stand for?

The Receptionist: hmmmm, Jane! insert [incessant useless giggling]

Me: I’ll never tell, and neither of you are ever going to guess it.

Office Manager: Jennifer?

Me: nope

The Receptionist (literally looking as if a lightbulb went off in her tiny, tiny mind): Ohhhh, I know—Jacob!!! *claps like retarded seal*



The Receptionist:

Me: You’re serious…aren’t you?

The Receptionist: Yeah! Like Jacob Donahue! [insert more retarded giggling]

*Note: Jacob Donahue (of no relation to me) is a gentleman who visits our office on occasion. He and I share the same last name, and apparently, in The Receptionist’s head, the same middle/first name. How she thinks it’s logical that an obvious and blatant male name would be my middle name, is beyond me.

.think outside the box.

The Office Manager: Hey, are those boxes back there fair game?

Me: yep, they’re all yours.

The Receptionist: Oh, are you gonna put something in ‘em?

The Office Manager: um..yeah, my stuff.

.Color Me Stupid.

The VP: Hey Receptionist, what color is this router?

The Receptionist: Ummmm…blue! purple! pink!

The VP: you are NO help.



Director of Business Development: Receptionist, can you please schedule a recurring WebEx meeting for noon every Wednesday and send an invite to everyone?

The Receptionist: Okay!

Four hours and 26 minutes later….

The Receptionist ::still trying to figure out how to schedule the meeting…


The Boss: You know, we need a flag in here. *Receptionist*, will you look online and find us one?

The Receptionist: A flag?

The Boss: Yes…a flag.

The Receptionist: ..uuuuum, you mean like the one that the army people hang half way when somebody dies?

The Boss: ….that’s the American flag…yes….that one.

Office Manager emerges from The Boss’ office…

The Receptionist: Oh, hey Office Manager, Employee was looking for you, he said they need you to check something in the back.

The Office Manager: Okay, thanks.

The Receptionist: …. I mean, he didn’t say what though. But they need your help checking something in the back, sooo…


The Boss: Hey *Receptionist*, do we have any Lysol?

The Receptionist: Yes, I keep it under the kitchen cabinet. It’s 409 though.

The Office Manager: *Receptionist*, here’s my camera, will you please take a picture of everyone, we’ll be using the pictures for the new employee badges.

The Receptionist: ooooh, yay! *claps like a retarded seal* 

The Receptionist: soooo, you want me to take a picture of everyone?

The Office Manager: Yes, everyone.

The Receptionist: What about the guys?

The Office Manager: EVERYONE, *Receptionist.*

The Receptionist: okayeeeee.

::Office Manager starts to walk away::

The Receptionist: Wait…can you turn it on for me?

.Shape Shifter.

This One Guy: *Receptionist*, I can’t print from the conference room, so I forwarded you a spreadsheet, would you mind printing it out for me?

The Receptionist: Sure!

This One Guy: The only thing is, will you please change the orientation of the document to landscape, it’s in portrait and I’m afraid some of the cells won’t print.

The Receptionist: K.

Five Minutes Later…

The Receptionist: Soooooo, One Guy, how did you want the shape of it again, sideways or up and down?

The Office Manager: Do you know if we have any more of the small composition books?

The Receptionist: What is that?

Most of us were introduced to composition books by the age of 7. 

She’s 25.


…After having been off the previous day for the holiday…

The Receptionist: Was Monday a holiday?


Me: Yes….yesterday was a holiday.

The Receptionist: Sooo…on our timesheet, we put holiday for Monday?

Get Out of My Office

Having The Receptionist correct an error on her timesheet, via my computer…and as she’s finishing up…

Me: Okay, thanks. Don’t log off.

The Receptionist: Oh, I won’t.

Immediately logs off.